


Decreasing the Surplus Population

by gutterandthestars



Category: The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Anne Trolls Everyone, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Movies, Dan Is Just Nice, Drabble Collection, Eddie Is Kind, Fluff, Multi, Venom Eats Mobsters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 09:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gutterandthestars/pseuds/gutterandthestars
Summary: Insomnia Me sent Future Me a blank email with the subject “Venom Muppet Christmas Carol” and, as Future Me, I have no idea what prompted it.This interconnected series of drabbles is the result, so I hope Insomnia Me would have been pleased with it.Thanks to Parker, ZepysGirl and Miriad for cheerleading. This is not their fault.





	Decreasing the Surplus Population

===

 

“I love that movie” Eddie tells them as the credits roll, arching his back and stretching, Venom twining out the way. Anne is curled up next to Dan on the sofa.

**Are these themes universal among humanity?**

“What do you mean, Venom?” asks Dan.

**There are many parallels between the London of The Muppet Christmas Carol and San Francisco: corporate greed, debt, overpriced housing, homeless citizens, crowded prisons, precarious employment.**

“Huh” says Dan, “I guess so. But the other themes are universal too. The importance of friends and family, a celebration of togetherness.”

Venom nods.

**Very appropriate. We are grateful.**

 

=====

 

There’s _sniggering_ coming from Anne’s living room.

They poke their heads out of the kitchen door, Venom resting its cheek on the top of Eddie’s head.

Anne is thumping her hand against the sofa cushions, Dan is biting a pillow.

“What’s so funny?” asks Eddie.

Dan wipes tears from his eyes and gulps out “Which one of you is Gonzo, which one is Rizzo…”

They dissolve into giggles again.

Venom and Eddie share a look. Venom answers.

**There is no question. Eddie?**

Eddie takes his cue.

“I am here to tell the story…”

**…and I am here for the food.**

 

=====

 

**When Tiny Tim was revealed to have died, Dan cried. Tell me again why we cannot call him a pussy.**

V, I know you dredged that from some fucked up part of my psyche, and yeah, it’s gotten some, uh, habitual use over the years but it’s _not a good word_. Can you imagine someone reducing Anne to a body part?

**We would reduce them to a body part! We would consume them until only a single organ remained, as a warning to anyone who dared…!**

Hush, love, I know. That’s why we can’t use it about anyone else, see?

 

=====

 

**Scrooge was sad, when Belle rejected him for choosing his vocation over kindness and generosity.**

Eddie squints up at Venom’s face, peering anxiously over his right shoulder. “Uh, yeah, buddy, ‘cause he was an _asshole._ She was _right.”_

Venom hesitates, hovers at the corners of his vision. Eddie knows what’s coming next.

**And you? Will you be sad, Eddie? If you do not win Anne?**

“Anne was right, too, V. And you’re in my mind, sweetheart. You tell me.” He concentrates on the sense of completion, satisfaction and perverse pleasure he feels now they are a We.

Venom feels… pleased.

 

=====

 

“Love, we’ve been over this.”

**In this story, creatures of all species and sizes co-exist and bond in relationships. The pig and the frog were openly committed to each other, Eddie.**

“Yeah, V” sighs Eddie, “but there’s also talking melons.”

**It was a heartwarming tale of triumph over adversity!**

“It’s a kids movie, V. The rules are different. Kermit and Piggy can do the nasty and have fuzzy kiddos and no one bats an eye. You and me, we can’t just be open like that.”

**Humbug.**

Venom’s oversized eyes look bigger and sadder than usual. Eddie kisses their head.

 

=====

 

Venom is _humming._ And unrepentant. Eddie has to share a body with this impossible parasite and Venom may not be sensitive to this particular frequency but Eddie is going out of his mind.

**The songs were very catchy, Eddie.**

“If I have to hear ‘there goes Mr. Humbug’ or ‘One More Sleep ‘Till Christmas’ one more time buddy, we’re going to take the bike to the airport and stand under the flightpath and see how you like it.”

**What happened to ‘Christmas is a loving honest and charitable time’?**

“Fuck you” says Eddie.

Venom blows a raspberry into his neck.

 

=====

 

Eddie rests his chin on his folded arms, looking out over the Bay towards the former Life Foundation building. Eddie’s feelings are conflicted and Venom can’t untangle them.

**You are cold.**

“I am.”

**She was often cold.**

“V, not now. I’m taking a moment, okay?”

**Will we ever talk about her, Eddie?**

“Yeah, V, we will. And I want to. I, uh, just can’t right now. You know?”

Venom doesn’t. And Eddie’s just told them they can’t _ask_. So Venom billows around him, unseen in the dark, wrapping pseudopods and tentacles around Eddie’s body and clings close, thinking warm thoughts.

 

=====

 

Eddie can feel Venom shaking. He’s confused, till he notices the lit menorah in the Skirth family window. His hand freezes over the buzzer.

“Honestly, buddy, it’s all the way over there and we’re all the way over here."

**Ugh.**

“It’s what this season’s about. Flipping the bird to the powers of oppression, the hope of revolution and renewal. Light in the darkness.”

**Light is fine. It’s fire I object to.**

“They lost their mom, V, we will pay our respects and bring them presents. Don’t be such a Scrooge.”

**Light the lamp, not the tentacle!**

“That’s the spirit, V.”

 

=====

 

_What’s wrong, V? We’re kinda in the middle of something here._

**Ebenezer Scrooge was a venal, greedy, cruel man who hurt all around him.**

_Yes?_

**Yet the movie posits that all may change given the proper opportunity.**

_Yes?_

**Perhaps, Eddie, this criminal is actually ‘a victim of fear and of pride’ and may wish to make another choice?**

“Listen, you alien fucktard, I chose all this and I’d chose it again, those bitches had it coming and I ain’t anyone’s fucking victim.”

Moments later they’re picking gristle from their teeth with their black, razor claws.

_Real ethical, sweetheart. So proud._

 

====

 

Annie hands them cocoa.

“What have you been up to?" asks Dan.

They avoid their efforts to decrease the surplus population of the criminal underworld and talk about Dora’s kids instead.

“Eddie’s really got you into the holiday spirit, huh? Guess this is all new for you.”

**In all honesty I have not found it that unusual.**

“Really?”

**'Wherever you find love it feels like Christmas’. I find am loved all the time.**

“You’re a sap, Venom” Annie tells them, impressed “I could never get away with that shit.”

“Hey, you could _try_ ” says Dan.

Eddie blushes so fucking hard.

 

=====


End file.
